“No fortune to indulge.”
When you pass by the subway station, you can usually see homeless people
sitting on the ground, begging for money from passers. Most people do not feel
the need to give them coins, and are indifferent to them. Some rich people
believe that it is sure that people without abilities should not have any
chance to get authority of money. In other words, society is not giving
opportunities to have “the fortune to indulge” to those who are homeless.
The video shows that
homeless people often lack connection to a home and society, limits their sense
of belonging. One of the biggest factors that make them alienated is people’s
indifference. This society prioritizes the ability of each individual. Only the
ones who have good skills can succeed and survive. For this reason, people are
too busy to take care of themselves and have no time to look around at
neighbors. Furthermore, individualism makes a person hypocritical. For example,
a lot of people donate their property to poor people. However, do they care
about the homeless people in the station? It is an irony that they help the
poor who live far away but not the ones nearby.
This irony is not limited to
relationships between ‘man and man.’ It can be also adapted to the
relationships between groups. For instance, there are numerous enterprises in
the nation, and they compete with each other to sell more products. However,
smaller enterprises are often alienated in the process. In the case of Korean
industry of electric device, because the larger enterprises monopolize the
products, smaller ones could not enter the market and usually fail to succeed.
Though it seems that those kinds of large companies give us many benefits by
providing useful products, they hinder other people who are to run new
companies. In addition, there exist nations or races that are alienated in the
world. Powerful and developed countries use all the resources and there are few
chances for underdeveloped countries to make themselves stronger. Also, races
in Africa are not respected by other cultures and they often have no sense of belonging
in the world. Even though not all ‘groups,’ such as enterprises, nations, or
the races, are excluding certain minor ones, much of society still has the problem
of indifferent treat toward disadvantaged people with less fortune.
There
are so many people who are isolated from society. Humans cannot live alone. If
each of us can think of others and care about them, we could make the world
full of warmth.
The
article is about the body ritual of Nacirema, which spelled backward of
American, explains the traditional habits of people of Nacirema. At first, when
I read the article I thought that the Nacirema were merely a group of First
Nations that lived in between Canada and America’s southern states. However,
after knowing that it represents America, I realized that it was a trick that
the author used for effective transmission of his message.
When I read the text without the
realization of American, I thought that the body ritual of Nacirema is
something that we should learn and succeed. I reminded of primitive tribes in Southeast
Asia while reading it, and it is considered that their traditions should be
protected and respected. Though the medicine
men, the holy-mouth-men, latipso, or the listener follow the cruel ways to
treat people, I believed that it is their own tradition and we might find some
lessons that can be adopted in the modern society. For example, “listener”
helps exorcise devils from the heads of those who have been bewitched by
letting their patient talk of the difficulties he or she has faced. From this,
readers could learn that just listening to others reduces their sufferings.
Even though it depends on how readers
understand and accept the article, the body ritual of Nacirma itself reflects
the real modern American culture according to the author. To be specific, a
family shrine is a bathroomwhere a chest with
prescriptions and medicines is. “Laptiso” is a hospital. Although treatment can
be uncomfortable and expensive, American adults still seek medical treatment which
does not really guarantee a cure. A listener is a psychiatrist, and the
Nacirema people’s tendency of opposing to their bodies reflects Americans who
are not satisfied with their body shapes.
There
are three words that appear very often in the article; “ritual”, “ceremony”,
and “magical”. For example, Miner describes the bathroom as a site for
“ritual”, medical treatment in hospitals as “ceremony” and medicine as
“magical” material. These words seem to suggest that there is a supernatural or
religious element behind the practices. However, as I come from a similar
culture, I understand these practices to be perfectly secular. To me, bathroom
habits are practiced regularly in a certain way out of need and personal
preference, not because it is “prescribed”.
Lastly, I learned the
importance of cultural relativity from this article. As I mentioned, Nacirema
reminds me indigenous groups in the innermost depths of America whose cultures and
practices come shocking to me. For example, they do not wear clothes, which is regarded
as a crazy behavior in my culture. On the other hand, from the viewpoint of
people in those groups, my culture would appear strange and unfamiliar. Most
people tend to believe that all of their daily habits have the reasonable and scientific
reasons for doing them. Thus, it must be unacceptable when they see different
cultures. Instead of looking at the practices themselves, it may be more
helpful to examine the beliefs behind them when looking at diversity across
cultures.
I) Essay Chosen: The essay that we chose for revision & improvement was 121115 HyunJin Jun’s essay on the future of amusement parks
ii) Our Criteria
-Upon evaluation we looked at the organization, content, and mechanics of our works. Organization is related to the how well a certain essay arranges its thoughts and ideas in a coherent, logical order, including structure (thesis statement, paragraph division & allocation etc) and the use of transitions. Mechanics is related to how well the writer can utilize English tools, such as vocabulary & grammar, to accurately express what he/she has to say, and involves concision, diction, and grammar. Content is the set of thoughts, ideas, or arguments that are actually expressed within an essay. An essay with good content is that in which ideas are specific, creative, and engaging upon the average reader. Owing to the fact that the overwhelming majority of our group’s essays were clichés about technology and environment, the originality and novelty of content was especially valued and prioritized. A list below shows some of the important things we have taken into consideration:
HyunJin’s essay is strong and distinguished in the sense that the fundamental ideas and details expressed within the essay are creative and specific; by identifying some of the problems inherent with the status quo of the amusement park operation system, and stating three specific ways in which future innovations and technology can complement these shortcomings, she achieves both depth and originality of content.
Another strong point of her essay is in her usage of mechanics. The sentences in this essay enable readers to comfortably grasp her thoughts and ideas, being simple and concise, and she uses a variety of phrases and vocabularies all topped off well with good grammar. The topic of her essay, and the manner in which she expresses her ideas, gives this TOEFL essay color that other TOEFL essays don’t have.
iv) A Brief Summary of Shortcomings & Revisions
-Even though this essay conforms to the typical TOEFL structure and is organized with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, there are several minor flaws; for instance, in the place of an introductory thesis statement is instead a question. Although this new form of experimenting can create a casual, intimate atmosphere between the reader and the writer, we deemed it would be best for the cause if we replaced it with a proper thesis statement. That way, we could establish a clear relationship between the introduction and the body paragraphs through the usage of transitions.
à. “These efforts will lead to more innovations and developments that can enhance the entertainment experience in theme parks, such as the concentration of amusement functions, improvements to the ticket system, and technological advancements in roller-coasters.” (Introductory thesis statement that was augmented)
-Another minor error with structure and mechanics was the uneven distribution of word count between each body paragraph; even though this is something that does happen, and can be an effective means of writing from time to time, we deemed that in a TOEFL essay it would be best to reduce this discrepancy. By paraphrasing, omitting, and adding phrases, we sought to make the writing more powerful, coherent, and persuasive, while simultaneously reducing the word gap between the body paragraphs.
-The original version of this essay didn’t include transitions that could naturally link paragraphs. We solved this problem by adding some.
-Even though they do not interfere with the readers’ understanding of the text, there were several minor grammatical errors scattered throughout the corners of this essay, some of the most representative of which was the awkward usage/omission of definite/indefinite articles and mistakes in tense.
-Although it poses no threat to the readers’ understanding of the text, the original essay includes redundant usage of the same vocabulary, the most representative of which is the overuse of the key word ‘amusement park’. To solve these problems we substituted them with pronouns or synonyms. v) Final Version of HyunJin's Essay
Amusement parks are some of the most attractive places in the world. People of all ages and both sexes can experience the exciting atmosphere there, enjoying thrilling rides, beautiful scenery, delicious foods, or fun games. As numerous people love to go there, it seems highly unlikely that the amusement park will ever disappear; instead, companies are continuously attempting to develop new rides and features for their customers. These efforts will lead to more innovations and developments that can enhance the entertainment experience in theme parks, such as the concentration of amusement functions, improvements to the ticket system, and technological advancements in roller-coasters.
The first innovation that will appear is the achievement of space-efficiency through the development of a compact complex that includes all prior amusement features. Modern amusement parks occupy too much space for widespread and efficient usage. For example, Korea can only possess a limited number of theme parks due to their intimidating size, thus diminishing the utility and fun that can be derived from a single visit. The advent of the ‘amusement building’ can complement the drawbacks of the current system by concentrating functions into a tall building. Las Vegas is already on the stage of constructing such type of facility, with merry-go-rounds, Vikings, and bungee jumping apparatus on top of the building, and other entertaining utilities in lower floors like restaurants or game stations.
Another change that will occur is the total alteration of ticket systems in amusement parks. The status quo requires that people show the tickets worn on their wrists for every ride; this policy is inconvenient since employees have to distinguish the many types of tickets, and users are subject to the nuisance of rolling up their shirt sleeves whenever they use the rides. The ticket in the future can complement these shortcomings through the application of an internal micro chip. These state-of-the-art tickets contain functions that can automatically identify the visitor and the type of ticket via recognition of a bar code, reducing inefficiency and making it easier to find a lost child.
Lastly, certain adaptations will alter the future of roller-coasters. Inventors will try hard to contrive of roller-coaster designs that can give a more fascinating and exciting experience to riders. One of such designs is the installation of a transparent safety belt. At the present, when people ride roller-coasters, they have to depend on big safety bars strapped on seats, knowing that they are the only things that can keep them from falling; however, imagine that, in the future, they will not be able to see those safety belts. Knowing that the roller-coaster will swoop downwards in a matter of seconds, riders would be able to experience the thrill of free fall; and yet the invisible bars will keep all of them intact and safe. Although only a few would imagine about a future amusement park, there would be endless development on entertainment in the future; for as time goes by, people would increasingly spend their time enjoying their pastime rather than sitting on the desk working. To satisfy those people, suppliers will have to plan for new facilities giving people better, and more realistic, forms of pleasure. An amusement building with shivering roller-coasters and convenient ticket systems will be able to accomplish just those goals, and fill people’s lives with pleasure and leisure.
“There
are two Londons. There’s London Above─that’s where you
lived─and then there’s London Below─the Underside─inhabited by the people who
fell through the cracks in the world.” Through chapter 4 to 6, the author tried to
demonstrate how the world below London looked like by showing the changes in
Richard’s mind and the people who lived underground.
When Richard first
came into the underground world and started his journey, he didn’t recognize
how dangerous it was. However, during the way to the market, he sees and feels
to the bone how London Below is unsafe. He regrets he chose to rescue Door and
became a member of the underground society. The narrator continued showing
Richard wanting to go back to his own life. For example, while Door and the Marquis
are auditioning the bodyguard, Richard experiences homesickness. He thinks
London Above is a world of safety and of sanity that no one needs to fight,
while someone who is part of London Below should be fighting dangerously. Continually
in chapter 6, he writes a diary in his mind and he highlights the words saying “I want to go home.” At the same time, he
feels superior to London Below. In the market, he feels a deep distance between
underground people and himself. Actually, before he came to the underworld, he
was a normal person who had a job and his lovely fiancée. By contrast, people
in the underworld are different with him, they are alienated people.
Some of the
characters in this part symbolize and represent London Below. One of them is
Anaesthesia. She was born in upworld but since her uncle hurt her, she ran away
and helplessly came to London Below. Most of the people who came to London
Below might have suffered from something similar to Anaesthesia. Another
example is Door’s family. They were all killed by someone. Door is the only one
who was survived. According to the message that Door’s father left, he wanted
Door to avenge the family. He must have died full of hatred. Most people in the
underworld cannot live their own lives. They would have grudges against
somebody who suppressed them, mistreated them, and made them come to London
Below. Sellers in the market also show real aspects of London Below. They sell
nightmares, weapons for arming oneself, rubbish, and lost property. I thought
that nightmares mean their sufferings, weapons mean they want themselves to be
safe, rubbish symbolizes that they are abandoned people, and lost property
symbolizes their lost normal lives.
In short, the author
depicted London Below more closely in chapter 4~6. He frankly showed the way
people live underground by describing dark, dangerous, and angry faces of it.
Additionally, Richard compared the world below the ground with the world above
the ground.
