TOEFL Workshop: Revision on my Essay

TOEFL Workshop: Revision on HyunJin's Essay

I) Essay Chosen: The essay that we chose for revision & improvement was 121115 HyunJin Jun’s essay on the future of amusement parks

ii) Our Criteria

-Upon evaluation we looked at the organization, content, and mechanics of our works. Organization is related to the how well a certain essay arranges its thoughts and ideas in a coherent, logical order, including structure (thesis statement, paragraph division & allocation etc) and the use of transitions. Mechanics is related to how well the writer can utilize English tools, such as vocabulary & grammar, to accurately express what he/she has to say, and involves concision, diction, and grammar. Content is the set of thoughts, ideas, or arguments that are actually expressed within an essay. An essay with good content is that in which ideas are specific, creative, and engaging upon the average reader. Owing to the fact that the overwhelming majority of our group’s essays were clichés about technology and environment, the originality and novelty of content was especially valued and prioritized. A list below shows some of the important things we have taken into consideration:

1. Organization
- Structure
- Transition 
2. Content
- Specificity
- Creativity
3. Mechanics
- Concision
- Diction
- Grammar

iii) Why we chose this essay (merits)

HyunJin’s essay is strong and distinguished in the sense that the fundamental ideas and details expressed within the essay are creative and specific; by identifying some of the problems inherent with the status quo of the amusement park operation system, and stating three specific ways in which future innovations and technology can complement these shortcomings, she achieves both depth and originality of content.

     Another strong point of her essay is in her usage of mechanics. The sentences in this essay enable readers to comfortably grasp her thoughts and ideas, being simple and concise, and she uses a variety of phrases and vocabularies all topped off well with good grammar. The topic of her essay, and the manner in which she expresses her ideas, gives this TOEFL essay color that other TOEFL essays don’t have.

iv) A Brief Summary of Shortcomings & Revisions

-Even though this essay conforms to the typical TOEFL structure and is organized with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, there are several minor flaws; for instance, in the place of an introductory thesis statement is instead a question. Although this new form of experimenting can create a casual, intimate atmosphere between the reader and the writer, we deemed it would be best for the cause if we replaced it with a proper thesis statement. That way, we could establish a clear relationship between the introduction and the body paragraphs through the usage of transitions.

    à . “These efforts will lead to more innovations and developments that can enhance the entertainment experience in theme parks, such as the concentration of amusement functions, improvements to the ticket system, and technological advancements in roller-coasters.” (Introductory thesis statement that was augmented)

-Another minor error with structure and mechanics was the uneven distribution of word count between each body paragraph; even though this is something that does happen, and can be an effective means of writing from time to time, we deemed that in a TOEFL essay it would be best to reduce this discrepancy. By paraphrasing, omitting, and adding phrases, we sought to make the writing more powerful, coherent, and persuasive, while simultaneously reducing the word gap between the body paragraphs.

-The original version of this essay didn’t include transitions that could naturally link paragraphs. We solved this problem by adding some.

-Even though they do not interfere with the readers’ understanding of the text, there were several minor grammatical errors scattered throughout the corners of this essay, some of the most representative of which was the awkward usage/omission of definite/indefinite articles and mistakes in tense.

-Although it poses no threat to the readers’ understanding of the text, the original essay includes redundant usage of the same vocabulary, the most representative of which is the overuse of the key word ‘amusement park’. To solve these problems we substituted them with pronouns or synonyms.

v) Final Version of HyunJin's Essay

  

Amusement parks are some of the most attractive places in the world. People of all ages and both sexes can experience the exciting atmosphere there, enjoying thrilling rides, beautiful scenery, delicious foods, or fun games. As numerous people love to go there, it seems highly unlikely that the amusement park will ever disappear; instead, companies are continuously attempting to develop new rides and features for their customers. These efforts will lead to more innovations and developments that can enhance the entertainment experience in theme parks, such as the concentration of amusement functions, improvements to the ticket system, and technological advancements in roller-coasters.

     The first innovation that will appear is the achievement of space-efficiency through the development of a compact complex that includes all prior amusement features. Modern amusement parks occupy too much space for widespread and efficient usage. For example, Korea can only possess a limited number of theme parks due to their intimidating size, thus diminishing the utility and fun that can be derived from a single visit. The advent of the ‘amusement building’ can complement the drawbacks of the current system by concentrating functions into a tall building. Las Vegas is already on the stage of constructing such type of facility, with merry-go-rounds, Vikings, and bungee jumping apparatus on top of the building, and other entertaining utilities in lower floors like restaurants or game stations.

     Another change that will occur is the total alteration of ticket systems in amusement parks. The status quo requires that people show the tickets worn on their wrists for every ride; this policy is inconvenient since employees have to distinguish the many types of tickets, and users are subject to the nuisance of rolling up their shirt sleeves whenever they use the rides. The ticket in the future can complement these shortcomings through the application of an internal micro chip. These state-of-the-art tickets contain functions that can automatically identify the visitor and the type of ticket via recognition of a bar code, reducing inefficiency and making it easier to find a lost child.

Lastly, certain adaptations will alter the future of roller-coasters. Inventors will try hard to contrive of roller-coaster designs that can give a more fascinating and exciting experience to riders. One of such designs is the installation of a transparent safety belt. At the present, when people ride roller-coasters, they have to depend on big safety bars strapped on seats, knowing that they are the only things that can keep them from falling; however, imagine that, in the future, they will not be able to see those safety belts. Knowing that the roller-coaster will swoop downwards in a matter of seconds, riders would be able to experience the thrill of free fall; and yet the invisible bars will keep all of them intact and safe.
     Although only a few would imagine about a future amusement park, there would be endless development on entertainment in the future; for as time goes by, people would increasingly spend their time enjoying their pastime rather than sitting on the desk working. To satisfy those people, suppliers will have to plan for new facilities giving people better, and more realistic, forms of pleasure. An amusement building with shivering roller-coasters and convenient ticket systems will be able to accomplish just those goals, and fill people’s lives with pleasure and leisure.